A Sweet Goodbye

You know how that microburst storm that hit us the other day, seemingly out of the blue, and everything changed in a split second? I had a horrible “storm” impact my life tonight. A cherished friend, of 36 years, took his last breath while I, none the wiser, was mundanely going about my day. How could this happen? And when did this friend become less of a friend and more of a brother to me in the course of our seemingly lifelong friendship? Life takes many turns, some up, some down, but it’s usually amazing and beautiful. This doesn’t feel that way. This time I am having a hard time finding any beauty in the tragic loss of someone I loved for most of my life. When I received the news I became very stoic, almost robotic…asking the appropriate questions and stepping in to be of service with all of the details, planning and getting things in order when someone dies. So many memories came flooding back to me, us as crazy young teens without a care in the world, Prince and Purple Rain LOL, to me battling for my life, with you encouraging me to keep fighting and always telling me "you got this," it seemed I was the one who would surely be first to leave this world. Then I could hear his voice in my head, clear as crystal yelling out to me “Tams!! It’s me,” as he walked into our home “what can I help you with today?’ And finally, my memories of the dark times with him came rushing over me like an angry wave. The times where I had no choice but to embrace tough love. So, I did. And for those times, times I had to step away, I am feeling sickeningly guilty. A guilt and sadness so strong it’s gut-wrenching, soul splitting, literally dropping me to my knees heartbroken. It took about an hour for all this to penetrate me to my core but when it did, it felt like my body took on a life of its own. I felt my being, my soul, figuratively (yet I swear I I felt it physically as well) shatter into a kazillion little pieces…it started with my heart racing, then my body started shaking and I became physically ill. I will never get the chance to hug him again, laugh with him, talk with him, or let him know I never stopped loving him. It's crazy, but as I type this I can still hear his motorcycle pulling up outside my house...never again. The truth is, I stopped liking his self-destructive choices and his self-sabotaging behavior, not him. I hated how those choices brought out a dark and different person, someone I didn't know or recognize, a person completely opposite of the wonderful person my friend truly was. He was replaced by a person who looked like him but wasn’t him. Not in heart, not in actions, not in his soul and actually no, not even in looks. I am so sorry my friend. I hope you understand why I did what I did. But, now I will never know if I made the right choice, one meant to help you not to hurt you. It’s final, it ends here and I will never get a re-do. All I know is I am not dealing with this well, not even a little bit. I am questioning everything… Even the “why” the one where I ask myself, why did I live thru a life-threatening illness and yet you are the one who dies? Survivors guilt, I’m sure. I’ll always regret that I didn’t reach out to you those last several times I truly wanted to. My heart is heavy with sorrow and regret that you will never know how many times I truly did think about you and sent up prayers on your behalf. My wish is I can find peace with my choices. I truly hope and pray that you are at peace, my friend. I hope you know you were loved. And mostly I hope I get to see you again, hug you, see that twinkle in your eyes and that grin that looks like the cat who just ate the mouse when I too, eventually, walk down those streets of gold with you. I hope through this journey you can see I did what I did because I had to, and honestly you know why. But right now all I feel is shattered, in shock and sickened by your passing. 

Please, God please, take care of my friend. May you finally be at peace, be healthy and more than anything I pray you were welcomed by your momma and you finally get that big hug from her again that I know you have been missing for far too many years. Lastly, and selfishly, if you could give me a sign that you are ok, that we are ok, I would so appreciate it and could so use it right now. Love you, my friend… always and to the moon and back. Thank you for loving me and my children unconditionally. Through everything, your love for us was never ever in question. Soar with the Angels sweet friend. I already miss you... and I fervently hope and pray through this uncontrollable flood of tears that my message finds its way to you. xoxoxo